What are the signs of narcissistic abuse?

Narcissistic abuse, Narcissistic relationships, Narcissistic Personality Disorder…these are all words that have become part of our national zeitgeist.  You can do a Google search and come up with any number of sites that will provide many lists; how to recognize a narcissist, how to manage a relationship with a narcissist, how to heal from the narcissist. Of course, there is a range of narcissistic behavior based on many traits and factors. Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is at the extreme end of that spectrum.

What Is Narcissistic Abuse? 

Narcissistic abuse is a form of abuse that is driven by the perpetrator’s narcissistic behaviors. It can take many forms; physical abuse, sexual abuse, psychological abuse or emotional abuse. It can be hard to recognize, as often a person with narcissistic behaviors can begin a relationship putting forward their best selves. The abuse can take one by surprise and/or happen slowly. This can include behaviors such as demonstrating a lack of empathy, lying, coercion, excessive control, gaslighting, criticism, or humiliation. A narcissist often only demonstrates these characteristics behind closed doors. To the world, this person may present as charming, soft spoken and kind.

Common Signs You’re Experiencing Narcissistic Abuse & What Impact It Has On Your Life

Some of the most common signs of being at the receiving end of narcissistic abuse are losing your self-confidence, high levels of anxiety, lack of trusting your instincts, self-doubt, confusion, hypervigilance over your behavior, and depression. One important clue is isolation- have you isolated yourself from friends and family? Has your partner isolated you from friends and family? Have you not wanted to share what you are experiencing with family or friends? Are you not trusting your instincts regarding what you are experiencing? Has anyone close in your life spoken to you about how you have changed? Has your mood changed drastically or been very erratic?

Reaching out to a professional or a trusted loved one for support is essential. Sharing your experience with someone outside the situation can support you in gaining clarity about what you are experiencing. 

Working with a therapist who is trained in this area can support you in establishing a healthy road to recovery. One step is learning how to recognize this behavior in a partner. 

Signs Your Partner is a Narcissist

Someone with a narcissistic personality disorder can be charming, loving and appear very self-confident so initially the signs can be hard to recognize. Here are some very distinctive signs.

Love bombing- at the beginning of a relationship your partner showers you with love, attention and gifts. This draws you into the relationship quickly. Soon after meeting, the partner is using words like soulmate, bringing up long-term future plans, or marriage enters the conversation.

Lies- Have you caught your partner in lies? They will often lie about where they were or who they were with. Being secretive is another form of lying by withholding information. They can create their own reality about an event to prevent themselves from having to take responsibility for their choices and actions.

Passive-Aggressive Behavior- Rather than directly communicate about a problem or issue, your partner engages in indirect actions and communication.

Silent Treatment- Your partner uses the silent treatment to express their displeasure or anger at you instead of having open communication. 

Gaslighting- A very common technique in narcissistic abuse. Does your partner deny the reality of what has happened in an argument or disagreement? They will deny an event and tell you that you are remembering it wrong. Over time have you started to question your reality?

What to Do If Your Partner is a Narcissist

Recovery from narcissistic abuse takes effort, time and professional help. It is a traumatic experience that requires support and tools to move past the abuse, to understand the effects,  to forgive yourself, and to set boundaries. 

Reaching out to a professional or a trusted loved one for support is essential. Sharing your experience with someone outside the situation can support you in gaining clarity about what you are experiencing. 

Working with a therapist who is trained in this area can be essential in establishing a healthy road to recovery.

How do I recover from Narcissistic Abuse?

The first step in recovery is understanding and recognizing the signs and effects of narcissistic abuse. Often times when you are in this kind of relationship, it is a challenge to understand what is happening to you. You may feel like you have lost a sense of yourself. You are experiencing self-doubt, insecurity, anxiety, and isolation. Reaching out to a therapist who is trained in treating narcissistic abuse can be very beneficial to recovering your grounding and self-confidence.

When working with a client who is experiencing or has experienced narcissistic abuse, I initially focus on supporting the person in fully understanding the dynamics and effects of being in this kind of relationship. 

First and foremost, the abuse is not reflective of their behavior. With this understanding, I encourage the person to work on observing and not responding to the narcissistic abuse. It is a delicate balance in this situation of setting boundaries but not engaging in defending yourself or “trying to convince the abuser” that they are being abusive. 

That is a stark reality of being in this kind of abusive relationship. No amount of proof, logic, reasoning can convince a person with a narcissistic personality disorder that their behavior is harmful and unjustified. Though they might appear to be confident and secure, the ego strength of someone with this personality disorder is very weak. They are not strong enough to admit fault or that there is anything they need to shift in their behavior. Narcissists can present themselves as charming, attentive and extremely confident. They are particularly adept at emotional manipulation. This makes the abuse challenging to recognize or understand. Narcissists are masters at gas lighting which undermines your instincts and sense of reality.

With therapeutic intervention, focus on self-care, and setting boundaries, one can recover from this type of abuse. It might mean leaving a relationship or situation. Or could mean learning to set strict boundaries. The goal is to recover your self-confidence, reduce your anxiety and learn to trust your instincts, as well as recognize abusive behavior when you see it and/or experience it.

Steps to  Recover from Narcissistic Abuse

• Acknowledge the abuse- The first step is admitting you are in an abusive relationship. We can’t heal what we don’t recognize. 

• Seek professional help- Work with a therapist trained in narcissistic abuse. 

• Practice self-care and self-compassion- There is healing that must take place. Compassion for yourself. Forgiveness for not recognizing the abuse. Calming your body and mind. 

• Set boundaries- Boundaries are essential to establish what you need to do to leave the situation or shift the relationship. 

• Process your emotions- Sorting through the many emotions you may have are the necessary work that must be done to reestablish your self-confidence and allow yourself to begin to trust your instincts again. You have to reconnect with your true self.

• Rebuilding relationships- Reach out to family and friends you have isolated from your life. Look to people who nourish your spirit and support your healing journey. Have fun again with friends and family that have been on the sidelines of your life. 

Get Help Recovering From Narcissistic Abuse

Begin by reaching out to a trusted family member or friend. Share what you are experiencing. Ask for support. Find a therapist trained in this area to help guide your path to recovery.  Focus on self-care to heal your spirit and body and set boundaries. One can recover from this type of abuse but it requires a clear understanding of the abuse you have experienced. It might mean leaving a relationship or situation. Or it could mean learning to set strict boundaries. The goal is to recover your self-confidence, reduce your anxiety and learn to trust your instincts, as well as recognize abusive behavior when you see it and/or experience it. 

If you’re ready to get help with narcissistic abuse, contact the experienced therapists at Thrive Psychology Group today to book your first appointment. We offer in-person therapy in California and New York, as well as online therapy in more than 38 states.